'You need to nip this in the bud': Sister-in-law demands new mother change her 4-month-old baby's name, pushes back when she refuses

Author image for JR Atkinson
JR Atkinson • Writer and Editor
Jun 3, 2024 6:00 PM EDT

Some folks plan their baby names for decades. I have a lot of friends who have had a list of names saved somewhere that they started when they were children themselves. Of course, not all of them are going to age well. I don't think I'm going to name my daughter Hermione anymore, but some of them stand. It's easy to get attached to a baby name, even if you don't say it out loud. You've spent years imagining a future where this is your child's name… that's a hard fantasy to give up. 

But it's a truth well-acknowledged that once you name a baby, you don't really get to re-neg on it once they're out in the world. Sure, nicknames and pet names might arise, and the kid might want to change it themselves, but parents don't really get that right. But one woman seemed to miss that memo. Read on for the story. 

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    via Omar Lopez
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    AITA for telling my SIL I won't change my 4 month old daughter's name for her?
    via u/No_Leadership_2850
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    I gave birth to my daughter, Ember, 4 months ago. My husband and I both loved her name and that's how it was chosen. We announced the day she was born and nobody said anything negative or gave a reason for us not to use it then. I say this because three days ago my SIL, who is married to my
    via u/No_Leadership_2850
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    brother, sat me down and asked me to change the name because it's the name of her stillborn daughter she had with her ex- husband 7 years ago. She told me she tried to keep it quiet but she couldn't let me keep calling my daughter Ember because it's such a painful reminder for her. She told me she really feels like we should change her name.
    via u/No_Leadership_2850
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    I gently told SIL that my daughter was 4 months old and her name is on the birth certificate and it would cost us to change it, so we will not. She told me she tried so hard not to say anything and the fact she did eventually break and bring this up should show how hard this is for her and make me more willing to change the name for her sake.
    via u/No_Leadership_2850
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    I told my husband about it afterward and he felt the same way I did. He told me it seemed like a weak excuse to wait four, almost five months, to tell us, when she had the chance long before this. My brother found out about the conversation with his wife and he reached out and told me she mentioned it to him two
    via u/No_Leadership_2850
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    months ago and that she was battling with asking us to change the name since, but he understands why I said no and supports the decision.
    via u/No_Leadership_2850
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    Yesterday she reached out to me again and asked me if we had decided on a new name yet and I told her my answer is still no and she asked why and I told her she waited four months to tell us. She became very angry very quickly and told me if she had lost my niece my response would be different and I should see this as
    via u/No_Leadership_2850
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    her losing my niece because she would have been if she were alive. She also told me my daughter is going to grow up always hearing about the cousin I gave her the same name as and that I should reconsider before burdening my daughter with that. She told me a good person with good morals would.
    via u/No_Leadership_2850
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    I should also mention; I knew she had suffered a pregnancy loss but it was implied she had a miscarriage far earlier and not a stillborn child. I never knew the name or 1. And I never ever heard her use a name for her daughter.
    via u/No_Leadership_2850
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    Cheese Making Mom · 2 hr. ago Everyone grieves differently, and at their own rate. However. 7 years definitely warrants therapy, counseling, and the coping mechanisms. I find it extremely difficult to believe that in 7 years
    via u/CheeseMakingMom
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    your SIL has never met anyone, or even a pet, named Ember. Or has she, and she insists that person change the name also?
    via u/CheeseMakingMom
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    No_Leadership_2850 OP. 2 hr. ago I have no idea if she has or hasn't. I guess the difference could be my daughter being in her life and hearing us all use the name.
    via u/No_Leadership_2850
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    99angelgirl 1 hr. ago The fact that she's threatening to burden your child with the knowledge of her loss for the rest of their life warrants low contact at minimum. She should never be unsupervised
    via u/99angelgirl
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    with your daughter. You need to nip this in the bud. Otherwise she will guilt your daughter for her name her whole life.
    via u/99angelgirl
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    Wickedlove7 2 hr. ago • Okay. Look. You are NTA for keeping your child's name. Sil needs therapy. One who is an expert in child loss. But
    via u/Wickedlove72
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    You're mad at her for not telling you sooner but would that have even changed anything ? I bet the answer is no. You're husband is wrong saying it's a weak excuse to have waited to say anything
    via u/Wickedlove72
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    when infact it shows she was trying to come to terms with it. Have empathy for her. She lost a child. You may one day be in her shoes. I hope you never are but well ..... happens. So look stop blaming her. She
    via u/Wickedlove72
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    shouldn't keep pestering you. But she did seemingly try to be to get over it. And until you lose a child you'll never know or understand her pain. How about compromise can she call the child a nickname?
    via u/Wickedlove72
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    You are NTA for not changing her name. She isn't one for having some rough feelings regarding this either. Though the pestering of you changing it leans her toward AH territory. Again you aren't an AH. You picked them name that you love. You didn't do it to be malicious as you didn't know.
    via u/Wickedlove72
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    No_Leadership_2850 OP . 2 hr. ago If I had known right away I would have been willing to pick a different name. Before it was on the birth certificate. But I am not willing to change it after four months.
    via u/No_Leadership_2850

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